India January 2000
October 2025 Background Note: I was working for a firm I won’t name because I wouldn’t want to embarrass PWC. We were working on adopting a daughter from China when this unnamed firm (PWC) approached me in late 1999 about a long assignment in India. I agreed, provided they understood I would be going to China for several weeks at some point for the adoption and I wanted some time off afterwards to bond with my new daughter. The lead director (Satan) told me he had two adopted sons from Vietnam and was trying in the process of adopting a daughter from there. I thought if anyone understood my plight, it would be him (Satan). After we received the notice from China regarding our travel dates, everything fell apart. The director (Satan) sat me down before I left and explained that this client was so important to the unnamed firm that he was going to use a service to bring his daughter to the USA when the time came to avoid being gone from this assignment. I had some choice words for this clown and said I wasn’t asking permission to go, I was simply informing him I was going. Then a few days later, the local Indian plant manager, canceled my ticket home and I did not find out about it until I was at the Mumbai International Airport. God bless the local Delta Airline manager who worked some magic to get my ticket reissued and get me on the flight home! I resigned from the unnamed firm (PWC) shortly thereafter, but still had to make one more three week rotation to India immediately upon my return to the USA with our new daughter.
My experiences during this time with my firm and with the local culture greatly impacted my opinion of India. It is only one of two countries I have visited that I would never voluntarily revisit. Although in fairness, I did have two business trips to India over a decade later with another employer and the trips were much better. Still the poverty with no one appearing to care, the cows that are worshiped getting fed and living long lives while millions of people go hungry were a struggle for me. India has about one third of all cattle on the planet. The caste culture was very frustrating. This useless system requires people of lower stature to tell someone they rank as higher what they perceive the person wants to hear instead of actual facts. As a consultant trying improved ineffective processes, this often caused me to spin in a circle trying to discern what the actual freaking facts were so I could address the inefficiencies. And true Indian food is nothing like your restaurant in Europe or the states. It doesn’t have any meat and is all spicy veggie goo. That works for some, and more power to them since it’s probably healthier than my daily fare, but not for me!
Oh, and one more comment about our rotational work. When recruiting all of us for this engagement, we were promised two weeks on and one week off to go home over an estimated six month period. Upon arrival in India as the two weeks came to an end, this was revised to three weeks on and one week off. Hmmm…do you think this just developed or had it been the plan all along? On to the more fun observations:
Mumbai, India
January 2000
Hello from India!
I just found out we have a new daughter! Xi Cui Yan. When I announced to my co-workers I was a dad again and started passing out cigars, one of them had spent a lot of time in China. He informed me that the pronunciation is "She Shoe Yon." I think that is Chinese for "Looks like her Dad!" I hope I get paroled in time to spend a lot of time at home after we pick up Xi Cui Yan. That has been the only bright spot since I’ve been over here. Well, finding out they have Lays potato chips was nice, but just not in the same universe as learning about Xi Cui Yan.
Until last night I was in Jamnagar. Now I am in Mumbai, or the city formerly known as Bombay. The Indians changed the name from Bombay to Mumbai, (Hindi for "kick all the Brits out") shortly after achieving complete and total independence from England. As usual with travel to distant places, one has to get use to the customs. For example: When you ask an Indian a question, do not pay attention to his head shaking with chin protruding out and with an emphasis we in the states would use to accompany a response like: "NNOOOOO! DON'T PUSH THAT BUTTON OR THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL DESINTIGRATE BY EVERY MOLECULE BEING SIMULTANEOUSLY RIPPED APART AND IGNITED." In India when a native starts shaking his head back and forth violently, he may stop suddenly and say "yes". I thought the first guy doing this had epilepsy or some neurotic disorder, but it appears to just be a habit Indians have developed to annoy American auditors.
Also, I was trying to figure out how the second most populous country in the world could have so many kids when every shower only offered freezing cold water. Of course, I reasoned, perhaps cold showers were mandated to prevent India from becoming the most populous country in the world. After about five of these showers, I was certainly glad I was adopting, because I think it had become the only option. On a completely unrelated subject, I did notice signs in the restroom that stated that you should turn on the geyser about 30 minutes before taking a shower. Now, I didn’t know what a geyser was, but I felt certain I didn’t want one operating at the same time I was in a bathroom. Finally, someone asked who the smurf was when I walked up shivering to join my co-workers at the breakfast table. "So how do you regain your body heat after showering in glacier run-off in the mornings," I asked the smart guy. "I just flip the geyser switch and turn on the hot water heater." Mr. Wisecracker shot back. "That’s exactly what I do-here, Einstein, but I’m planning a camping trip to Alaska when I get home." I quickly injected and then cleverly added, "Say, did anyone else catch the blue virus from dinner last night. I think it was in the fake meat. I have felt terrible all morning. I have the shakes too. I think I’ll go take a hot shower, I’ve heard it will often completely clear up cases of the blue virus. I’ll just meet ya’ll at the car pool in 30 minutes." I think the Indians call the water heater a geyser, because almost any other word in the English language might actually convey an association with the function.
I went into a bank today and changed a $100 for 4,265 rupees. I couldn’t fold my tri-fold wallet afterwards. I always feel rich in non-Europe countries when I exchange money. In London you give the teller $100 and she’ll throw a few bills and coins with ugly pictures of the queen that would turn you to stone if you stared directly at them. Of course, in London, a Coke doesn’t cost 43 rupees, either. And no matter which place you’re at, that Coke is going to be hot and the closest ice cube is "across the pond."
Jamnagar is close to the Pakistan border. Think of Pakistan as the Hatfields and India as the McCoys. As a result, when I got on the ancient tiny....well.... let’s call it a plane for lack of a better word, such as "rock," the security was harsher than anywhere I’ve been. They made me remove any batteries from my carry-on and check them with my luggage. That included a tiny pocket calculator and the battery pack on my PC. Then you go through the metal detector, get scanned with a wand and get frisked thoroughly. I circled through the line three times before they started waving me around.
I enjoy getting email from home, but access is limited. When you get a line here, it usually goes through the bottom of a cup at the other end. The hookup cannot exceed 56k. Of course, the k is for kamels (they can't spell) that are lined up and relay signals through snorting and spitting until a phone line is reached in which the binary code is keyed in by those infinite number of monkeys pounding on the infinite number of keyboards until finally, my email is produced.
I hope you are doing well. I hope to one day come home. Take care!
-Maharaji Keith