Nigeria 2002

April 2002

You’re Welcome from Nigeria.

I’m not sure why, but I keep getting “You’re welcome,” at times that wouldn’t normally generate that type of response. They use “You’re welcome” like we would say “How’s it going?” One example that has occurred several times is following “Good Morning!” The next time a native tells me “You’re welcome” in response to my “Good morning,” I am going to stop and tell them that it is too hot and the rainy season should be limited to nights from 10:00 pm until 6:00 am. If he is responsible for the morning being good, then I might as well get it fixed while we’re talking.

 At the current time I have spent more time offshore on rigs than I have in Port Harcourt. I was fortunate to get onto three rigs by helicopter, but my luck ran out when it was too stormy the last day for helicopters. So, I had to take a crew boat. In a storm. In the Gulf of Guinea. If puke sold for the same per barrel as oil, I could have retired off my shipmates production! I did manage to sleep some. It helped that I could lay on my stomach, which is my preferred sleeping position. Usually, when I lay on my stomach, however, it is not bouncing off the ceiling at the time. Really, it wasn’t that bad and I was OK. If there had been more heaving, I probably would have joined in, not wanting to be the only observer, but fortunately, things remained relatively calm considering the surrounding weather.

 The best part was getting from the oil rig jacked up on three legs about 75 feet above the water to the crew boat. They use a basket called a Billy Pugh and a crane. The basket is about the size and shape of an exercise trampoline with rope netting extending in a teepee shape from the base to the point where the crane hooks and lifts. Luggage and equipment goes inside the basket and up to four victims go around the outside, standing on the edge and holding to the rope. The crane then heaves you up and over the side and down to the waiting boat. Get this, when the chrane hoists you and three of your BFFs and swings over the water, the boat takes off! Seriously! Then right before you hit the water, the boat guns up under you and you land on the deck. None of this is made up – Google a video of Billy Pugh. When I asked about the procedure, after I stopped shaking, I was told you stand on the outside of the netting so if the line broke, you would not be entangled in the net in the water. It also emables you to quickly step off and onto the boat which could be surging in the water 5-10 feet, before being jerked back up due to a down swell. The boat takes off when you clear the rail of the rig so if you are dropped, you hit water and not the deck. It comes back when you could survive the fall. This is not as much fun as it sounds like!

 The office here is typical, doing the best they can with what they have. There is only instant coffee, just like India with the same brand, and you have to share the one office spoon to dip and stir. Which is acceptable for that first cup of the day when everything is supposedly washed, but by the end of the day, you have basically been exposed to the same germs as if you kissed everyone else on the lips. In the office where we are at, there is a list on the bulletin board of how to survive a community riot. Here are some of the actual 10 steps listed:

●   Do not provoke the rioters (Like I’m going to start yelling “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah you can’t catch me!”)

●   Avoid eye to eye contact

●   Plead with them (Should you be on your knees or fully prone?)

●   Ask to contact your company who may consider their demands. (May?! MAY?! MAY?!?!?!)

I thought the list would be even better with the following points added:

●   Keep clean underwear handy. In case of a community riot, it will be handy.

●   Once the compound is breached, immediately start running toward the aggressors shouting, “THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THESE CAPTORS!!!”

●   Run directly away from your coworkers yelling “NO! I WON’T HELP YOU CARRY ALL YOUR MONEY!!!”

 They also had donuts in the office this morning that looked so good and they were so nice to offer some. And, yes, they were eating some too, not just holding them out for the auditor while saying, “Yeah---donuts—have some--snicker –they’re delicious—snicker.” I bit into one and it was immediately obvious that it had been fried in oil that had previously fried fish. For several years. Imagine donut glaze on a week-old fried fish and you’d have the taste.

 There are lizards everywhere here. Of all varieties. In the office, I went into the restroom yesterday and one lizard about 4 inches long peered out from the toilet. We could have both been very surprised. When I went out for a walk the other night, I saw a centipede crossing the road that was at least 10 inches long and a half inch in diameter. I never walk barefooted in the staff house I am sharing with someone because you will crunch a bug if you walk 20 feet anywhere. Along the entire West Coast of Africa, Malaria is predominant, so I am taking a new Malaria preventive medicine. That is good because the old medicine had so many side effects, such as lapse of memory. Along the entire West Coast of Africa, Malaria is predominant, so I am taking a new Malaria preventive medicine. It is experimental and has some slide defects.

 There are billboards here for The Laughing Cow (or La Vache Quirit) dairy products. After experiencing some of the culinary delights here, I think I know why the cow is laughing. When something is undone here, it is referred to as a holiday. One of the managers had a painter and showed him where behind a file cabinet there was a holiday. It was rectangular shape almost the exact size of the file cabinet when he pulled it from the wall. Then he pulled out a desk and commented, “Just as I thought, another holiday over here.” Gas is 22 Naira per liter which would translate to about 54 cents per gallon. However, it was less than 20 cents a gallon last year and the locals are having a hard time affording it.

 I got to spend some quality time in France en route to Port Harcourt. There was a Custom’s employee strike while I was there, but I think there are laws in France that someone must always be on strike. When the Company’s international medicine clinic reviewed our travel plans for the year, they saw Nigeria and pulled out a blood-born pathogen kit (ie, everything you need in case of medical emergency to ensure contaminated medical supplies are not used on you) to travel with in addition to Malaria medication, antibiotics and prescription anti-diarrhea medicine and said be sure to carry it to Nigeria. We were also warned in advance not to check luggage to Nigeria. The French airport security guards were very concerned about our carry-on luggage containing scissors and syringes. So, I gathered two co-workers pathogen kits, put them all in a backpack, locked the backpack and returned to the ticket counter to check. The little French lady looked at me like I was few snails short of a full escargot order when I placed the back pack on the belt to be checked. “Where are you off to, Monsieur?” she asked in an authentic French accent. I replied Port Harcourt. She looked up with concern and said “But Monsieur such a small bag, you should carry it on, or you will never see it again!” I told her that if I tried to get it past Napoleon on the x-ray machine with the scissors and needles in the backpack, no one would ever see me again.

I hope this finds everyone well. You’re welcome!

-Keith