Nigeria 2010
Hello from Port Harcourt and Lagos Nigeria!
When I tell someone I’ve been to or am going to Nigeria, they always have a lot of questions. OK, they have never voiced those questions, but I can tell from their expressions as they slowly back away avoiding eye contact that they have questions and I’m here to help. Below is a compilation of useful advice that will make you feel like you’re here! Without the diarrhea. Other than without the diarrhea, it will seem just like you’re here. And no vomiting. You won’t have diarrhea and you won’t have vomiting. And you probably won’t have razor wire and at least three automatic firearms within 100 yards of your location. Regardless if you are in the office, the hotel, the grocery store, hospital, church, kindergarten class, etc. Ha! Got ya! I’m only kidding - there are no hospitals in Nigeria.
On to the questions and answers:
Q: Do they take credit cards in Nigeria?
A: Yes. And they don’t give them back. They also take cash, computers, phones and anything else not locked down.
Q: How is the water in Nigeria?
A: The water must be good. It has a healthy golden glow. It gets more golden yellow as it gets 1-2 inches deep in the shower and/sink because all the drains in Nigeria appear to be at least partially clogged. Probably from clots of water. Do not rinse your toothbrush in the bathroom sink. It will eat the bristles off and warp the plastic. It probably won’t do your mouth any good, either.
Q: Have you been to a doctor in Nigeria?
A: There are no doctors in Nigeria. There are expelled medical students that have been banned from practicing medicine in every other country in the world. I re-injured my eye the last trip to Nigeria and sought out such a doctor because I was not nearly in enough pain. He examined my eye, poked it with his instrument, said it was very bad, gave me a 20¢ eye patch and charged me $300. After the exam, I hurt worse and looked like a pirate.
Q: How are the mosquitoes in Nigeria?
A: The mosquitoes are fine, thanks for asking. As a matter of fact these are the healthiest mosquitoes I have ever seen anywhere. I saw two of them carrying a cow over a yard gate yesterday. But then I am taking Malrone, a malaria preventative, and hallucinations are one of the side effects. Isn’t that right, Elvis?
Q: Is it safe in Nigeria?
A: Yes, I always have someone armed with me when I go out. But, come to think of it, so would I if I was kidnapped. OK, they keep me safe in a locked compound with high walls and razor wire, while if I was kidnapped, I would be imprisoned in a…..No, it’s not safe in Nigeria.
Q: Are the roads well maintained?
A: The roads in Nigeria are in surprisingly good shape. Both of them. However the 4 billion miles of bare dirt trails that connect every building and residence in every major city are unbelievably bad. And, just when you think it can’t get worse, it rains and hides the 3 foot wide and 2 feet deep potholes. Then someone immediately gets stuck in the puddle-hidden hole and traffic backs up to Guam. Yes, I know that Guam is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and Nigeria is in the turn of Africa. Traffic backs up to Guam.
Q: Is it hot in Nigeria?
A: The average temperature day or night is 95 degrees and humidity is 90%. But outside, it is very uncomfortable.
Our Nigerian driver was asking instructions on how to get to the armed police escort from another Nigerian within the airport compound. The response was, "Just go down that road and before the exit gate you will see a black guy." Really? A black guy? In Nigeria? He should be easy to spot, it’s not like there are that many black guys in Nigeria! (Every word in quotes completely true - I laughed for an hour.)
And lastly, the top story in the news here is about the two auto thieves the police chased in the Kwara state last week. One escaped and one turned himself into a goat. The goat is still in police custody and awaiting trial. I am not making this up - I do not create stuff this funny Google Nigerian goat thief BBC and the story will come up on the BBC international news wires. I just wonder if the goat has decided to testify at his own trial, or if he is just kidding himself. I bet that thief getting caught really got his goat.
So in conclusion, if you want to come to Nigeria, well, please seek medical help immediately. And definitely BEFORE you get to Lagos!
Wish you were here,
Keith